I have encouraged all members of our family
to learn to “reveal themselves”, that they might free themselves of suppressed
thoughts and feelings that canker the soul. Moreover, that we might learn to
know one another intimately and learn to mourn together and share joy with one
another.
With permission
of my son Kirk and my nephew Leland I am enclosing personal letter they have
written in which they have done this very thing during difficult periods in
their lives. I pray that we might learn from them and their example might be
used to strengthen and sustain the needs of others when their words are read.
[Letter enclosed from Kirk James: “
Dear Mom & Dad, I’ve wanted to write this for a long time, but ever since
school got out I haven’t been in the mood. So I waited for the right feeling. I
just want to tell you who I am, how I am, and what I’m doing. It may not amount
to much but I’ll try and convey my feelings as they happen.
I’m
not sure where to start. I remember just before I went on my mission I told you
all the “fun” I’d had and about all of the mistakes I’d made. It must’ve been
painful. Hopefully this will be more pleasant.
I
may as well start with marriage. I sense you’re wondering whether I’ll ever
make it. I’m not neuter! I’m a male and I look forward to marriage. But I know
that I’m not searching real hard – probably because I’m still shy in beginning
new relationships. I refuse to talk myself into a relationship that should last
an eternity. Maybe I’m scared or looking for the perfect mate. I’m not sure,
but when it happens, it’ll happen and I’ll be able to handle it.
I
do know that I wasn’t ready until this summer. I’ve had a lot of growing up to
do in the two years I’ve been home from my mission. I think I grew up a lot
spiritually. I realized that when I got home I set goals for myself that had
only to do with me. This was mostly because I wanted to keep things as they
were before. But I left other people out more than I should have. I stopped
worrying about a growing testimony, I felt I was strong enough. Anyway, I’m
glad I realized this when I did.
I’m
sorry now I didn’t work both summers after I got home. I’m concerned about the
easy life I’ve had and my real feelings about wealth. I hope I can give it all
up when the time comes or even accept a lower economic status by following my
call – whatever that is. You’ve got to remember that when I went on a mission I
didn’t have a testimony. You and I both know it. I faked it by working hard for
a long time out there. And by the time 15 months had gone by I first woke up to
what the church was all about. So I come home with many of the same problems I
had before I left. My mission only opened my mind to where my weaknesses were.
I
know I’ll overcome them. I’m terrifically satisfied with myself although I know
I’m not perfect. I’m happy about everything! One thing I hope for is that. I’ll
never get to old to learn and change. I hope at 65 I can look at myself as I do
now and say “Whoops! You’ve blown it.” This is repentance. Too many people are
afraid to really become critics of their own lives. I think they feel that by
doing so they’ll discover they’re something they’re not. That’s uncomfortable.
It’s insecure. But I’m not afraid to face this ordeal of change. I’ve got to
keep changing and transcending myself or I’ll not be living – just existing. I
hope to look at life eternally. Sometimes I don’t like to give up the good
things. I’ll overcome it if I have to (there’s nothing wrong with the good
things. The problem is lamenting them when they’re not there.). But I do know
that when it’s all over the only thing we’ll be able to account for will be our
experiences with other people. This has to be my life. I want my life to be
guided by me. I love life with all its trials and tribulations. I’m happy, I’m
at peace. I’m creating.
I
want to win. I know that by overcoming myself I’ll be able to help others. I
know I have the gift but I can expand it (magnify my priesthood) by obviating
my faults. I don’t lament the past anymore. I think I’ve really gotten a grip
on procrastination. I’m trying not to be so cynical towards people.
I
know I make mistakes. Looking back I could have graduated in August had I done
it right. Or in January, had I not decided to work at the LTM. But I did so
that’s that. I’m thankful for the LTM. I’m thankful for my mind. I’ve got to be
honest to it. But my mind could be wrong so I’ve got to learn and change it if
need be. I’m obsessed with learning. I want to know what forces are trying to
shape my life, now. There’s too much to know. I’ve just started living in the past
two years. I’ll never stop.
A
big decision is facing me now which concerns me. I’ve got to decide what to do
with my life. I want to teach but I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I get there.
Once I get inside the educational system, I’d probably expose it. A law degree
would mean security. I don’t’ want to be a lawyer. I want to have time to read,
write, learn, study, be a friend, father, husband. I don’t want to kill myself
working for money and status. I’m probably stupid for wanting to go to law school
– if I lost a job as a teacher I could support myself somehow – writing
perhaps. But it’s not secure is it? I hope I have the guts to follow my call. I
feel pretty good. I’m growing. I’m not afraid to read Buckley or Mao, Rayn or
Keynes. I’ve go to. Not one of them has been ordained of God any more than the
next. Unreality is the source of powerlessness. If we believe in free (p. 4 got
tired of typing this)]
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