March 31, 1974

Today is Sunday. The Sabbath day, because of energy “crunch” and gas shortages our church schedules has now changed. Our priesthood meeting, Sacrament meeting and Sunday School are all scheduled together from 1-5 pm. As a consequence our attendance at Sacrament meeting has gone from 42% to 70%. Personally, I feel that it is wonderful because when we arise on Sunday morning we do not have the hustle we used to. We can meditate and prepare ourselves for the meetings. I am sure that the level of spirituality will increase considerably.

            Eric is now functioning as the Ward Financial Clerk. This week has been a bad week – We have been unable to get the ledger to balance. He has spent close to 30 hours, had to miss a budget dinner at his own home and stay up to 3 AM. I can understand and empathize over his frustration. It seems that no matter how old we are, we suffer over the problem and trial that our children experience. I went to God last night with a sick feeling in my heart and stomach which I have known very often. I realized how deeply I love Eric and Chris and their children and how precious they are to me. I also realize how our Father in Heaven must feel for us as we struggle to be righteous people and when we experience painful trials that bring added growth and stature.

            I feel to write about an incident that happened this past week. I do this because our relationships with people are not all “black and white”.

            I was approached by a young man with a family for money to continue his education. To me, his attitude is somewhat aggressive and overbearing. He acts like it would be a privilege for me to help him. I really don’t know but perhaps his attitude is influenced by the fact that his father holds a high office in the Stake and his wife is the granddaughter of a previous member of the 1st Presidency. To complicate things, I have had previous business dealing with his father. They were so adverse and unpleasant that I had resolved to have as little as possible to do with his family. In fact, the very name of the family “turns me off”. Now!! – I am approached by this young man in the crisis hour for financial support. When discussing this problem with Norma she pointed out to me the goodness of the mother and I recall a son of the family whom I taught in Seminary and for whom I developed special feelings. As a consequence we will do our best to help. Perhaps we are purposely put in such positions as this to purify our souls and purge ourselves of negative, destructive feelings towards others.

March 23, 1974 - I need to go back and finish this

I have encouraged all members of our family to learn to “reveal themselves”, that they might free themselves of suppressed thoughts and feelings that canker the soul. Moreover, that we might learn to know one another intimately and learn to mourn together and share joy with one another.

            With permission of my son Kirk and my nephew Leland I am enclosing personal letter they have written in which they have done this very thing during difficult periods in their lives. I pray that we might learn from them and their example might be used to strengthen and sustain the needs of others when their words are read. 

[Letter enclosed from Kirk James: “ Dear Mom & Dad, I’ve wanted to write this for a long time, but ever since school got out I haven’t been in the mood. So I waited for the right feeling. I just want to tell you who I am, how I am, and what I’m doing. It may not amount to much but I’ll try and convey my feelings as they happen.

            I’m not sure where to start. I remember just before I went on my mission I told you all the “fun” I’d had and about all of the mistakes I’d made. It must’ve been painful. Hopefully this will be more pleasant.

            I may as well start with marriage. I sense you’re wondering whether I’ll ever make it. I’m not neuter! I’m a male and I look forward to marriage. But I know that I’m not searching real hard – probably because I’m still shy in beginning new relationships. I refuse to talk myself into a relationship that should last an eternity. Maybe I’m scared or looking for the perfect mate. I’m not sure, but when it happens, it’ll happen and I’ll be able to handle it.

            I do know that I wasn’t ready until this summer. I’ve had a lot of growing up to do in the two years I’ve been home from my mission. I think I grew up a lot spiritually. I realized that when I got home I set goals for myself that had only to do with me. This was mostly because I wanted to keep things as they were before. But I left other people out more than I should have. I stopped worrying about a growing testimony, I felt I was strong enough. Anyway, I’m glad I realized this when I did.

            I’m sorry now I didn’t work both summers after I got home. I’m concerned about the easy life I’ve had and my real feelings about wealth. I hope I can give it all up when the time comes or even accept a lower economic status by following my call – whatever that is. You’ve got to remember that when I went on a mission I didn’t have a testimony. You and I both know it. I faked it by working hard for a long time out there. And by the time 15 months had gone by I first woke up to what the church was all about. So I come home with many of the same problems I had before I left. My mission only opened my mind to where my weaknesses were.

            I know I’ll overcome them. I’m terrifically satisfied with myself although I know I’m not perfect. I’m happy about everything! One thing I hope for is that. I’ll never get to old to learn and change. I hope at 65 I can look at myself as I do now and say “Whoops! You’ve blown it.” This is repentance. Too many people are afraid to really become critics of their own lives. I think they feel that by doing so they’ll discover they’re something they’re not. That’s uncomfortable. It’s insecure. But I’m not afraid to face this ordeal of change. I’ve got to keep changing and transcending myself or I’ll not be living – just existing. I hope to look at life eternally. Sometimes I don’t like to give up the good things. I’ll overcome it if I have to (there’s nothing wrong with the good things. The problem is lamenting them when they’re not there.). But I do know that when it’s all over the only thing we’ll be able to account for will be our experiences with other people. This has to be my life. I want my life to be guided by me. I love life with all its trials and tribulations. I’m happy, I’m at peace. I’m creating.

            I want to win. I know that by overcoming myself I’ll be able to help others. I know I have the gift but I can expand it (magnify my priesthood) by obviating my faults. I don’t lament the past anymore. I think I’ve really gotten a grip on procrastination. I’m trying not to be so cynical towards people.

            I know I make mistakes. Looking back I could have graduated in August had I done it right. Or in January, had I not decided to work at the LTM. But I did so that’s that. I’m thankful for the LTM. I’m thankful for my mind. I’ve got to be honest to it. But my mind could be wrong so I’ve got to learn and change it if need be. I’m obsessed with learning. I want to know what forces are trying to shape my life, now. There’s too much to know. I’ve just started living in the past two years. I’ll never stop.

            A big decision is facing me now which concerns me. I’ve got to decide what to do with my life. I want to teach but I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I get there. Once I get inside the educational system, I’d probably expose it. A law degree would mean security. I don’t’ want to be a lawyer. I want to have time to read, write, learn, study, be a friend, father, husband. I don’t want to kill myself working for money and status. I’m probably stupid for wanting to go to law school – if I lost a job as a teacher I could support myself somehow – writing perhaps. But it’s not secure is it? I hope I have the guts to follow my call. I feel pretty good. I’m growing. I’m not afraid to read Buckley or Mao, Rayn or Keynes. I’ve go to. Not one of them has been ordained of God any more than the next. Unreality is the source of powerlessness. If we believe in free (p. 4 got tired of typing this)]

 

March 16, 1974

I am just now getting over the terrible feeling of depression that has been with me for the past two weeks. We think at times that we can intellectualize ourselves into a protective insulation from the “hurts” of the world, but this is not true. When we least expect it something happens that pierces the protective armor prepared by the mind and rends the heart. This, seemingly, must be a necessity of life because the Savior points out in Matt 5:4, that “blessed are those who mourn”, this implies those who suffer or who are chastised that they might be humbled and change their lives. So it was with Job!!!

            It has also been impressed upon me today that we have been so concerned about finding the grandparents of Bishop David Evans, that perhaps the cause of the depression has been precipitated by Lucifer and his influence. As a consequence my thoughts have been turned from that which is so important to our family and my progenitors.

March 2, 1974

This Saturday morning I have arisen, searched the scriptures and meditated. All week I have been depressed because one of the men in the clinic is leaving – apparently because he feels a need to make more money. I just can’t understand this because we have been blessed with such a monetary abundance. For many of us, I guess there is never enough because of greed and selfishness. I have been emotionally shaken because I thought I was building through my relationships with the other doctors a bastion of loyalty, respect and pride in our ability to serve those who come to us for medical help. Certainly, it is foolishness to put our trust in “the arm of the flesh” and I anticipate a gradual crumbling of the temporal world in which I personally live and work unless the doctors I work with maintain some of the objective ideals I have worked for. I have constantly tried to create an atmosphere in which each doctor can experience a democratic atmosphere in which to develop his talents and skills and that he not be stifled by an authoritarian influence of one person who exercises leadership through coercion, etc. (D&C 121). I am sure that the time is fast coming when the true converted Saints will cry constantly to the Lord to hurry the Second Coming. For we live in the midst of unbelievable evil (D&C 82:6). All types of shortages are developing. In the State of Washington the gas lines are getting longer, tempers are short and I can imagine how it will be when we develop real food shortages. Then we will really see the uprising of mean against men, state against state, etc.

            Last night I spent time in an intimate interview with one of the brethren in my High Priest Group. He is a choice individual with a marvelous family. With the treacherous inflationary rise in food prices he finds himself in a financial bind that is strangling. He has a very good job, is a PhD in Animal Husbandry and he has 2 boys on missions. He is looking for another job to supplement his income. His plight will become more common – I resolve that we can, will and must live the Gospel more closely, for “Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor” (D&C 82:19). We do as the Lord requires of us and become a true Zion people.

            To those of my family who read these writings, I want to convey the understanding that we are now passing through very difficult times. We enjoy technological advances our forebearers never dreamed possible but our hardships are affluence, greed, selfishness, pleasure-seeking and unbelievable evil that bombard us from all quarters. Our only protection is to have and develop a strong family oriented in the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the scriptures and the oracle of the present-day prophet to guide us.

            Truthfully, it would be wonderful to receive an honorable release from this mortal life now but I resolve to endure to the end. The promise we have to return to the presence of our loved ones in their great family, my family, and our Father in Heaven make me want to go on and do all that I can to build for those that are to come. I rejoice in having my eyes opened to see that these Spirits are more choice, spiritual, and intelligent than my generation. Oh! how their presence is needed now and in the near future. May they know that I love God with all my being – that He is a living and loving God who places a gentle hand on my should to guide, and on my mind to understand, and on my heart to love and feel a peace in this environment so influenced by the spirit of Lucifer. May the know the respect and love I feel for our forebearers, many of whom I have never met but am coming to know spiritually through geneaology, because they lived their lives honorably and distinguished the name I now bear. May they know that I know we are protected by the Lord, that as long as we do what He asks He is bound and we have a promise (D&C 82:10).

            Tomorrow, John will be advanced to the office of a Priest. How grateful I am that the children are progressing in their lives. What transpires tomorrow in this ordination far transcends any temporal problems we now face.